Therapy
“I’m glad to see you, Ward. Please, sit down.”‡
Ward thanked her and took a seat. Mina Michelet, the spiritual therapist, took a seat opposite him.‽ “Now, I know we spoke a little bit before about the nature of the hosting difficulties you’re experiencing, but now that we’re both here, I’d like you to tell me specifically what you’ve come to me about.”
Ward hesitated. “You see, I’ve been . . . , I’m having some issues with boundaries.”
Mina nodded. “What sort of issues?”
“When I have someone inside me, I don’t really know how to say no to them . . . I can’t tell if I’m actually uncomfortable with things sometimes or if it’s just that I think I’m supposed to say no to some of the things they say or do.” He thought back. “Maybe I just want to be in charge because I think I should be if I’m the host.”
Mina scribbled into the notebook on her lap but gave Ward an encouraging smile and nod. He continued, “The last guy was okay, just a bit of a jerk. The one before him, though, was a little too interested in having a good time with a guest at a party. I mean, it didn’t amount to anything in the end because I had to help fight to save the parade from disaster, but if there hadn’t been that interruption, I don’t know whether I would have just put up with it and brought someone home.”
“What made you want to host in the beginning?” asked Mina.
“Well, it just sort of happened,” Ward confessed. “I could do it before I wanted to; by the time I found the Cathedral of Illuminism, it was already something I was getting the hang of, and they wanted me to do more of it. They taught me how to do it better. It felt like I was supposed to do this.”
Mina made a note. “So you weren’t expecting these issues to crop up?”
“No. To be honest, I hadn’t thought that far ahead. The instructors didn’t really touch on that much . . . they taught me that the spirits I host have their own wants and desires, but as far as questions about bodily autonomy are concerned, I didn’t know to ask and they didn’t really prepare me to handle it.”
“When it comes to boundaries, do you tend to take this passive position? Does it happen a lot?”
“Yeah.” Ward sighed. “It’s just kinda easier, you know? Plus, there’s this guest satisfaction survey that can significantly impact me if I don’t consistently have five stars.”
Mina looked up, slight concern on her face. “What kind of impact?”
Ward shrugged. “You know, the Cathedral takes care of my housing, my employment goes through them . . . if I do well, I might move up in the hierarchy. That’d be nice.”
“Is that what you wish to do?” Scribble.
“It’d be nice to have a bit more security. Right? I mean, who doesn’t want to do good at their work? I don’t need to be rich or famous or anything, but a bit more stability would be helpful.”
Conversation lapsed while her pen caught up. “And hosting spirits feels like a means toward that security and stability?”
“Partially. Just feels worth it, I guess, to go with the flow.”
“Do you enjoy your work?” She paused again to look up at him.
“I definitely meet interesting people. It can be hard to mesh with some of them, depending on who I’m hosting. Last guy was a little frou-frou, it was hard to keep him entertained.”
“Do you feel like you’ve given up anything in agreeing to do this work?”
“I wouldn’t know.” Ward shrugged again. “I’d only been back from Shadow for about a week or two when I started. No other opportunities had really presented themselves. And this one does provide housing and money. I guess I don’t know what other options would have been available; I didn’t even have a maker mentor yet.”
“Did you have any particular fantasies about what life would look like when you returned to the Actuality?”
“Well, like, in Shadow I worked as a medical investigator. My life kinda revolved around work and home, going out every so often with my friends. I mean, in a weird way, this work is kinda related. I’m caring for people around the experience of their deaths.”
Mina nodded. “Why do you think these spirits are sticking around? Obviously you’re hosting them, but what’s motivating them to stay in Satyrine?”
“Could be unfinished business, right? The old trope? One last joyride. Although last is a bit ambiguous, I don’t know if the journey to the Pale sun is one-way. The last fancy guy was just in it for the kicks, could have just been getting his last bit of enjoyment before moving on.”
“I definitely hear you caring about that enjoyment, and it sounds like you’re hosting these spirits out of that care.” Mina looked at him directly. “But I want to hear about yourenjoyment.”
“Well it’s definitely been interesting . . .”
“And I’m wondering about this boundary crossing. You know, nobody knows a boundary is there at all until it’s been voiced. You haven’t really voiced what your boundaries are, and you haven’t gone into this knowing where they are. So, what boundaries are emerging as you do this that you’re realizing you don’t want crossed?”
Ward fidgeted a bit. “I found a physical intimacy boundary with the spirit I hosted at the party. I’m still not clear about that one yet, though. I might not care too much, just need a bit more experience to be more comfortable with the idea later on. And the girl the spirit was hitting on seemed to have had a partner, which might have caused problems for me after the spirit left.”
“Okay.” Mina wrote a bit more. “So now that you’ve returned, you’re attempting to build your own life here again. Is there something about these spirits that gives you a way to build through others? Is there something about what they’re enjoying that you’re enjoying?”
“Yeah, especially the ones who’re in it for a good time, the things they want to do are fun.” He smiled. “That last guy was really neat to listen to, to hear his take on things . . . but I might need to learn how to stand up for myself if he’s shitting on the clothes I’m wearing, the friends I keep. I mean, how much do you smile and nod? When do you push back?”
“Is hosting these spirits giving you something through their desires that you haven’t been able to give yourself?” Scribble.
“I’ve mostly just been going along with the guests. When they know what they want, their goals or desires, it fills the gap for a while.”
“Do you remember a time when it was easier for you to desire?”
“Not really, not even in Shadow. I went to school, I had an interest in my career, but I just sort of did the work, went home, moved around from one thing to another, sometimes went out to drink. . . . I did stuff as it came along. Once I got here, it was basically day three when I went to the center and the Cathedral tagged me, and for the first time I had an overarching goal, a hierarchy I can move up.”
“How do you choose which spirits to host?”
“Well, I don’t choose, they’re just sort of assigned to me and I’m supposed to say yes. There’s been a bit of a mix, but like the last guy was important, right? They presented him as though I really should. Technically a choice, with a strong undercurrent of ‘you really need to do this if you want to progress in your career.’ I haven’t had one come up that I’ve really looked at and wanted to tell them to back off, but I don’t always know much about them before I agree to host.”
“You just have to roll with it when it arrives?”
“There’s probably some emergency brake if I need it—I’m sure there’s some way to do it.”
“In hindsight, are the risks you take on greater than what you are informed of beforehand?”
“Well, sometimes. I made a cane for myself, which helps. It’s supposed to channel my focus and let me interact with whoever’s inside me better, get some intuition on their thinking, maybe have a bit more influence on them. But, you know, I also make other stuff, mystical items and ephemera and such. I don’t really know what I want, but if my friends want something I’m more than happy to help. I’m a springboard, not an idea generator.”
“Do you feel like you know where you want to go with this? You’re starting to experience crossed boundaries in your hosting. What would it look like to put down solid boundaries? Is that something you want?”
“Well, even if it’s not something I want, then I at least want to have decided reasons for why I’d be okay with it; not just yes-and-ing everything, but being able to say ‘No, I’ve made the choice and it’s okay for these reasons’ or ‘not okay for these reasons.’”
“Have you ever said no as a host?” Scribble.
“Not really. It’s most just been a ‘we’ll get back to that’ sort of thing. I genuinely don’t know what would’ve happened at the party night if I’d gone along with the physical desires my guest wanted. It felt like it would have been enjoyable, but I don’t know how I feel about my body being used that way. And I’d probably need to disclose the situation to the other person, which is complicated; not to mention that they seemed attached and I really didn’t want to be dealing with jealous partners or other messy situations after the spirits have moved on.”
“What do you imagine would happen if you said no?”
“It would depend on what I was saying no to. But probably touching base with my mentor about goals of what hosting someone means.”
“Your mentor?’
“Yeah, Cedric, he gives me the assignments. I should check with him about getting more info before I accept more guests.” Ward cracked a wry smile. “Probably should’ve done that before, but here we are.”
Mina put down her paperwork for a moment. “If I may ask, within the agreement you have with the Cathedral, do you have certain rights to host within certain parameters?”
Ward nodded. “I know I’m allowed to not take an assignment if I choose.”
“But once you take it on, is it just freewheeling from there?”
“I think there’s protocols where I can emergency stop for my health and safety, possibly for others’ health and safety—depending on the others. There’s a guidebook. I should look back through it.” Ward’s face crinkled a bit in thought. “But if I say no at the start, presumably that’s going to limit possible better work later on.”
“Is this the only work available to you?”
“Probably not.”
“What else could you be doing?”
“I’d have to look, really. I’m sure I could find something. I mean, I can make things, like I mentioned, but I don’t want to be relegated to work in a factory. Since I have this innate ability, and a place to use it, I should probably keep doing this. Where else is this skill going to be appreciated?”
“What about making things on your own, something marketable that doesn’t require a factory job?”
“I’d have to sell my stuff, and I don’t have a portfolio. Maybe for the time being I could start branching out on my own and just asking people if they want me to make some stuff.”
“True. And remember, this doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing choice. You can take the gradual approach, slowly get a feel for what it might mean to exercise these other skills.”
Maybe that’s what I need, Ward thought as he thanked Mina and headed to the wake. A little side work. Something to change up the days. I just need people to see what I can do.
‡ Weeping Priest, Driver
‽ Secrets of Silent Streets, pg 178